Not a Morning Person
by DrDizaster

1997


BeepBeepBeepBeepBeep, the alarm sounded out next to my bed.

BeepBeepBeepBeepSMASH, and it stopped.

I'm not a morning person. Waking up is the most arduous task of the day for me. I usually sleep until at least 8:30, but I had an important interview today. If I managed to land this new job, not only would I get a pay hike, but I'd be able to sleep in until 9:45. Every day.

I looked at the mangled remains of my alarm clock, the third one I'd gone through in as many months. The time was stuck at five 'till six. I sauntered out of bed, and groggily proceeded down the hall in only my boxers.

I knew my apartment smelled a little, but today it was unbearable. It made me wish my nose could fold in on itself, just to be able to screen out some of the odor.

"Blecch," I said as I opened the door to the bathroom, and began my routine.

It's amazing what one can get done squinting. No matter how tightly I shut the shades ands the blinds, the light seemed to actively seek out my eyes, reflecting off the carpet, for Godsakes.

I turned on my electric razor, feeling my chin with my other hand. Wierd. I knew I had a killer five o'clock shadow, but this was twice what I normally had. I put the razor to my right cheek, the razor going chggkkkchkkghgk as it cut the hairs. I took away the razor, and felt my cheek. I rubbed again, just to make sure. It felt like I hadn't even touched the razor to my cheek. I did it again, producing the same sounds. But when I felt my cheek again, it was still rough.

"God, I hate Mondays..." I said as I flipped the cap open. Without even looking, I turned it upside down ofer the sink, shaking out all the hair that was clogging the blades. Clipping the top back on, I put it back up to my cheek one last time. After withdrawing it, my cheek still had peach fuzz.

"Ah, screw it..." I said as I put the razor on the lip of the sink. Apparently, I didn't put it on right, because I heard it slide off and fall on the floor. "Serves you right for not working," I told it as I grabbed my toothbrush and paste. I brushed, biting down on the brush as it went over my teeth so as to get all the way down to my gums. Strangely, my brush felt a lot smaller than it usually did. It must have been because I was still only half awake. I bit down as I brushed my left side, but instead of sliding along the teeth, the head of the brush broke off, making me jam the jagged piece of plastic up into my gums. I spat the head out, along with some blood. Great. I thew the brush into the garbage, and dropped trou. I stepped over to the shower, pulling the knob on and turning it to the right. A cold shower would do ma a world of good.

"Now what?" I ask as I dump shampoo into myright hand. It feels as if the water is barely touching me, like I'm wearing a raincoast on top of my skin. I look at the shower head, and grab it with my left hand. If I remember correctly, pushing it in makes lots of tiny streams of water, and pulling it out make one high-pressure stream...

I pull, and the head comes clean off the pipe. So clean, in fact, that the resistance I was expecting is completely gone. So, instead of pulling the head towards me, I accidentally jerk it into my eye. I fall back on my butt, feeling a sharp pain at the base omy spine. Great. Probably broke my tailbone. How can this get any worse? I put my hands over my eye, only then remembering the shampoo in my hand. I lurch up onto my tip-toes, putting my face up to the jet of water that's now coming out of the headless shower head. I managed to wash the soap out, but not before nearly choking myself when some stray drops went down my nose. Which was wierd, considering my nostrils pointed down... Right?

As I washed the last of the soap out of my eyes, and let the cold water on my face bring my senses online, I tried to set back down on my feet, but couldn't. I looked down, seeing the mat of fur that covered me from head to toe. My feet, such as they were, forced me to stand on tiptoes at all times, even making me lean forward a bit just to keep balanced. That jolt I had felt when I fell actually was my tailbone, minus the "Bone" part. I clasped my furred and clawed hands to my face, feeling my very sharp teeth in my muzzle. I felt my ears, which had gravitated to the top of my head and rounded somewhat.

Dumbfounded, I turned on the waterproof radio I kept in the shower. Switching from station to station, I found out that this was happening everywhere. I got out of the shower, slipping on the floor as I did so. I but three or four band-aids on my split lip, and headed towards my room. I was about to go back to bed in the hope that I was dreaming, when I heard a knock at my door.

"Mike! Mike! C'mon, lemme in!" It was dave, my best friend since grade schol. He lived only about two minutes from my house, and he was in some kind of rush.

"Yeah, I'm coming..." I said as I threw on a bathrobe and sauntered towards the door.

I had cotton balls stuffed under onelip, one bald spot on a completely furry face, three band-aids on the other lip, and a black eye that was bloodshot from having soap in it. I open the door, and amid all the chaos, the first words out of dave's mout are:

"Dude, what happened to you?" I closed my eyes.

"Shut up, Dave. Just. Shut. Up." I closed the door on my reptillian friend, and wnt back to bed.

God, I'm not a morning person...



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